Kick-Ass 2 (2013) / Avengers assemble, asshole

"Act like a bitch, get slapped like a bitch."

Once upon a time my ass was figuratively kicked by Kick-Ass. In other words, I really got a great kick out of the movie. And it really was damn awesome, wasn't it? I remember sometimes calling it my favorite superhero movie, next to The Avengers. 'Cause it's just great fun. The sequel continues to entertain, it makes me laugh out loud, and also cringe, because some of the stuff they pull is pretty yucky. Lawn movers and all. I don't thoroughly enjoy all the violence and the obnoxious deaths, but let's face it, Kick-Ass wouldn't be Kick-Ass if someone didn't get decapitated or their guts spilled out in a hilarious way every once in a while.

Some spoilers.

I was hoping that in a new plot twist Dave Lizewski would have decided to grow a mustache. Sadly, that didn't happen, but luckily there's always Anna Karenina. Aaron T-J has been my wet dream for quite a while, with or without mustache, and I enjoyed him again, especially during those last frames. I will be rewinding those seconds and watching them again and again once I get my hands on a DVD. When I'm forty I will totally marry a 20-year-old Aaron Johnson. It is my ultimate goal in life.

But not even the flawless abs or the awesome scale of supporting characters (from the terrifying Mother Russia and Jim Carey's Colonel to the sweet Team Remembering Peter and Christopher Mintz-Plasse who delivers every time) can outshine the true star of the film: Hit Girl/Mindy Macready/Chloë Grace Moretz. Hit-Girl and Katniss Everdeen should unite to be the most ass-kicking teenage girl duo ever. They'd shoot squirrels and hit President Snow square in the face, with some awesome background music. Anyway. Fangirl brain, stop. Hit-Girl was a big part of the charm of the first movie, but now she has a more significant role, and she gets more meatier stuff, and I loved it. If Kick-Ass was a Kick-Ass movie, Kick-Ass 2 was a Hit-Girl movie. High school is tough, growing up is a bitch, and fitting in is pain, even if you are only the most bad-ass girl in the universe. But even Hit-Girl isn't completely immune to boy bands.

Kick-Ass 2 might be an action comedy sequel before anything else, but it ended up delivering a very sincere message, even if it was delivered via disgusting images of spilled guts and severed penises. You can choose what to do with your life; you can choose to be a super villain, or you can choose to do good with what you have. With no power, comes no responsibility, expect that isn't true. I stole that from the first movie, but it's a cool thought. It's what the whole franchise is about: choosing to fight for good, even though you're probably going to get your ass kicked, because you have no superpowers whatsoever. "You don't have to be bad-ass to be a superhero, you just have to be brave."

By the way, Bechdel test passed! Not bad for a superhero movie. The two most bad-ass characters were female, and I seriously doubt there's ever been a more terrifying villain in anything ever than Mother Russia. And Hit-Girl, she's a total cowboy. In the end, she kisses the good-looking guy, and drives off to the sunset in a motorcycle. I want to be Hit-Girl when I grow up. And I can't wait for Chloë Grace Moretz to grow up and do more amazing movies and blow everyone's minds away. But, you know, not with weapons, but with her talent. I also can't wait for Kick-Ass 3. Not to mention The Avengers sequel. Aaron T-J is going to be in it, as if there weren't enough heartbreakingly beautiful men involved in that franchise already. I'm not sure if my ovaries will be able to handle it, but I will be so pleased to give it a try.

Anna Karenina (2012) / appreciation for Aaron Taylor-Johnson's mustache

"You can't ask why about love."

I'm being very honest with the title there. I really am not going to talk about the movie Anna Karenina that much. I'm just mostly going to talk about Aaron Taylor-Johnson's mustache. I wish I was kidding.

Anna Karenina was very much what I expected it to be. It was quite pleasant to watch, not just because of the certain mustache, but also because of the beautiful sets and the cinematography and the costumes. Joe Wright has directed many films that I have enjoyed watching, first and foremost Atonement, which is one of my favorite films of all time, and which also made me fall irrevocably in love with James McAvoy. And which I haven't seen in a few years, actually! Gee, I need to fix that. And see if it's still favorite material.

I am one of those people who have always liked Keira Knightley. Admittedly, most of my positive sentiments for her derive from Atonement (and that gorgeous green dress!), but I've enjoyed her other performances, too. If nothing else, she can definitely pull of a sophisticated, 18th/19th century aristocrat lady.  By the way, the make-up department should get an Oscar for making Jude Law look so unattractive. That takes some skill, yo!

I find it amusing that Matthew Macfayden has been demoted from being Keira Knightley's love interest to being her brother. Ouch! The years have not been as kind to Mr. Darcy as they have been to Elizabeth Bennet. (Macfayden is eleven years Knightley's senior, though, so it's only fair that he retires from romantic leading roles earlier than her.) I liked his character, though. Comic relief is always likable.

The film was a tad too long, and at times felt very aimless. I'm not sure about the necessity of some of the subplots. Like I'm not sure whether I liked the way they used the stage as a device in telling the story. It felt strange, and confusing in the beginning.

The romance of Anna Karenina and Count Vronsky is the heart of the story, so I guess it is the thing that has to be blamed for the film leaving my mind un-blown. I mean, of course I find the premise completely believable: Bring me Aaron Taylor-Johnson wearing that mustache and the hair and the uniform, and have him shoot a few of those seductive glances at me, and I'll leave my imaginary husband before you can say, "It's ironic that Jude Law plays the decent, saint-like husband who gets cheated on by his wife who falls for someone young and good-looking".

Anyway. What I most enjoyed about the film was the beginning: when they brought in Aaron T-J (damn you, dude, for getting married and changing your last name into something so long and troublesome to type) and painted the picture about what a charmer and a heart-breaker he is, and then had him and Keira exchange some of those lingering looks loaded with sexual tension, and showed him kissing hands in intense and intimate close-ups. Ooooh. Yeah, after that no member of the audience can blame Anna Karenina for ruining her life for this young hunk of a man.

Let's review:

The best things about Anna Karenina, pt. 1: The smoking hot glances full of pure sex and seduction.

The best things about Anna Karenina, pt. 2: The super hot close-ups of kissing of hands.

Unfortunately, after the hand-kissing and the sex-glancing have worked their magic, and Anna and Vronsky fall in love so swiftly and randomly during one dance that you think you're watching a Disney animation, my interest and hopes for the film drop significantly, not to to be raised again.

Not even letting us witness the two of them kissing, more passionately and more up close than any of us in the audience feel comfortable watching, could revive the excited feelings I felt in the beginning. Because, in the end, I felt we didn't get to see enough layers in the characters. We see they are both very attractive, but we don't really get why that attraction turned into love. But, well, you can't ask why about love, you know. Still, I wanted to go a little deeper. I didn't end up caring about the characters too much.

What I did care about, however, was Aaron Taylor-Johnson's mustache. It's weird. One should not look good in a mustache. Who really wears a mustache? Except for Charlie Chaplin and Hitler, and only one of them looks good wearing it. A mustache and a head full of fake blond curls is not the easiest combination to rock, especially if you are obligated to charm all of Earth's female population while doing it. So, two thumbs up for Aaron T-J for showing that mustache can be the new sexy. We can only hope he'll adapt that look to the Kick-Ass sequel, too. Really, honestly, seriously: Not many young men could pull of that look.

The best things about Anna Karenina, pt. 3: The mustache.

I went to see Anna Karenina in the cinema of my childhood and teenage years, which was so nice, because it had been ages since the last time I went there. The audience consisted mostly of high school kids, who had come to see the film as a class assignment. Me and and my friend felt old, and oddly envious of the lucky 16-year-olds, for having such simple lives, and just hanging out at school, only dreaming about their future, instead of having to live it. Anyway, the teenagers giggled at certain parts that made them feel uncomfortable, and that made me feel uncomfortable. At times I didn't have an idea why they were bursting out laughing. Oh well. Perhaps you can't ask why about unintentional comedy, either.

Then I came to think that had they made the Star Wars prequels ten years later, Aaron Johnson (or Taylor-Johnson, whatever) could have been the perfect Anakin Skywalker that Hayden Christensen was never quite able to be. He actually might have made some of the awkward romance scenes work, too, with a few of those Glances of Seduction. Might have. Just something I hope to have a detailed, vivid, lengthy dream about tonight.

Hmm.

I start writing these things, thinking I have hardly anything to say, because the film didn't have much of an impact on me, but then I end up writing a post, comparable to a Tolstoy classic in length. Oh, the power of a good mustache. I'll finish by quoting the actual novel, and maybe thus fool you into thinking that this has been a very intelligent and sophisticated post, indeed.

He stepped down, trying not to look long at her, as if she were the sun, yet he saw her, like the sun, even without looking.

~ Leo Tolstoy, Anna Karenina