Preparing for the Oscars 2013

Oscar night is tonight. This year I won't be blogging my way through the night, which is a relief for anyone who attempted to read my running commentary for last year's gala. I will, however, as tradition goes, eat until I burst, and enjoy the heck out of myself, even though they will, as tradition goes, be rewarding all the wrong films and people.

I am unusually undetermined this year. I don't have a clear favorite, or even definite instinctive preferences. Only that I don't wish Argo to win. I'm not really on track about which film is expected to win, but I think Argo has won many other awards, right? I hope Argo won't win. That would be boring. Kind of like the movie. Okay, boring is not the right word. Underwhelming is.

Here are some categories that I have opinions about. They are very sophisticated and reasonable opinions about who I have determined should win. As you will see, I have really put much thought and consideration on this.

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Visual effects: The Avengers. And the Oscar goes to Captain America! What's the category? Who cares!

Make-up: The Hobbit. The little brother of Lord of the Rings deserves at least one Oscar, right?

Costume design: Anna Karenina. Mm-hm. Excellent costume designing here, yes. I'm not talking about Anna's dresses. I'm talking about uniforms that go great with the hottest mustache in history.

Cinematography: Life of Pi. I'm thinking about that underwater shot where Pi sees the sinking ship. That was a cool shot. Oscar-worthy, perhaps.

Animated film: Brave. I haven't seen any of the other animations, but I know for sure none of them features as much amazing hair as Brave.

Adapted screenplay: Life of Pi. Just a hunch.

Original screenplay: Django Unchained. Tarantino screenplays are hard to beat in originality!

Directing: Ang Lee. The Academy needs to make amends for robbing Brokeback Mountain that damn Best Picture Oscar. They need to make amends until the world ends. And then some.

Supporting actress: Anne Hathaway. For looking so damn miserable. And losing all that weight for a film that featured her only for what seemed like fifteen minutes.

Supporting actor: Christoph Waltz. He should get another Oscar for Hans Landa. That role was a bingo.

Actress: Jennifer Lawrence / Jessica Chastain / Naomi Watts. I love J-Law. Loooove her. But Jessica Chastain is so cool, too. And damn me, if she wears a dress as gorgeous as the one last year... I'm sold! But Naomi Watts is the only nominee in all the categories representing The Impossible. That film was crazy, I'd give it the Best Picture Oscar just for making me cry so much. So much. So insanely much. But Jennifer it is. Because she's my hero and my girl crush and she's such a dork.

Actor: Um. I really don't know. I mean, isn't it sort of given that Abraham "DDL" Lincoln triumphs? But I don't know. That would be boring.

Finally, an in-depth analysis on every Best picture contender:

Amour. Haven't seen it. It's French. So maybe I wouldn't like it. I'm intimidated by French films. Expect for silent black-and-white ones, featuring a dog.

Argo. I just don't want this one to win. It was so underwhelming. Bad, bad Middle-East. American heroes, blah. Okay, let's pretend my biggest hero of 2012 was not called Captain America.

Beasts of the Southern Wild. Haven't seen it, yet.

Django Unchained. Wouldn't mind if it won, not at all. It's quite a movie. It would actually be pretty awesome if it won. I promise I would cheer. But that's not going to happen, right? It would be too good if it did.

Les Misérables. I just went to see this one, in the afternoon before the Oscars, so I can't really say anything about it, because I'm too busy humming Do You Hear the People Sing in my head.

Life of Pi. Strange. I feel like I might be rooting for this one. That one little twist at the end of the film has definitely stuck with me.

Lincoln. Missed it in theaters. Points for American history. Points for the emancipation of slaves. But I can't imagine connecting with a film like this very much, if at all. Let's just say that I'm prejudiced, and won't be voting for America's favorite president.

Silver Linings Playbook. I've been having a hard time with this film. I wanted to love it. I didn't. I just liked it. But then again, I was really tired when I saw it. And even if I didn't love the film, I do love Jennifer Lawrence. So I will rooting for SLP as well. Not quite as much as I will be rooting for Life of Pi, Django Unchained and perhaps Les Misérables, but anyway. It's a romcom, in its core. Romcoms don't win Oscars. I'd love if for once they would.

Zero Dark Thirty. This was a really cool and interesting film, and Jessica Chastain's girl power was amazing. I would totally approve if it won. With all the controversy, though, I doubt it ever could.

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So. I am wonderfully non-opinionated about everything. All I know is that I don't want Argo to win. Which means it probably will. Well. I got what I wanted last year, with The Artist, so maybe this year it's time for another King's Speech scale travesty. This Social Network fanatic will never forgive you, Tom Hooper! Now, if you'll excuse, I'll go listen to On My Own and pretend you didn't have anything to do with all the goosebumps I experienced at the cinema today.