From the moment I heard the first rumour that there will be another Pirates movie, I was suspicious. Yet I always hoped that somehow it would end up being okay; a nice little entertainment bomb if nothing else. I don't need that much to be entertained, really! I went to the cinema with very low expectations, but just this once, that didn't do the trick.
Most of the time I wasn't even entertained, just bored, and on the top of it all, hating the fact that people like money so much, and so my poor eyes once again had to endure that extra strain because of that stupid third dimesion. I missed the good old pirate spirit that just wasn't there. I even found myself missing Orlando and Keira! The most crushing thing to admit is that even goold old Captain Jack didn't have the same charm anymore, so the legendary pirate captain must have lived past his best days. I was hoping the Jack thing would never get old - the jokes, the smirks, the drunken way he walks, the idiotic ways he always seems to get out of tricky spots - but what can you do. It sucks, though.
Sure, there were some occasional moments when it felt like the old movies, when the good old spirit showed up, even if only for a second at a time. The nostalgic value was there, yes, but it didn't save as much as I expected it to. Mostly I was just annoyed that they the staining the good memory of all those awesome characters. On one hand it was good that they'd gone to a simpler direction with the plot - it can't get much more confusing than the web of lies and back-stabbing and side-switching in At World's End - but on the other hand, at least that constant confusion assured that you weren't able to predict every single plot twist and turn of events at least five minutes before they happen. I don't think I was surprised once during the whole On Stranger Tides.
Penelope I liked more that I expected (doesn't take much as I didn't expect to like her at all, but anyway). Blackbeard was an okay new character too, but oh well, I'm just rarely into those PURE EVIL vilains; they are much more interesting coming with more than that one single character trait (PURE EVIL) in them. The reward for the most unnecessary and hollow character (in addition to the zombies; if you want someone undead, call the cursed skeletons or Davy Jones's fish people) goes to the replacement of Orlando Bloom's pretty face: the ridiculously muscular clercyman. Apparently he's done most of his God-serving in between fierce sessions of ab excercises and push-ups.
Things I did like: the pirate flag flying at the top of the Disney castle in the logo; the mermaids that actually brought in some nice mythology and action (and the required, boring love story); the Cameo (hahahaha, genius); the undead monkey and The Pearl, even if only miniature versions of them; the Jack/Barbossa moments, because that much charisma and talent can't go unnoticed even if the context and the dialogue were stupid.
Oh well. After all this bashing I think it's more than appropriate to pull the rug from under the whole post and say that I wouldn't mind too much if they did some more mediocre Pirates sequels. I'd go see them anyway, just because... Well I don't know. But I would.
"Why is it we can never meet without you pointing something at me?"